Rachel and P

I have been dreading this post, I actually have several posts lined up and ready to hit publish, but I just can't go forward until I address what is happening in our lives right now. It pains my heart to type the next sentence.

Ethan and I are getting a divorce. 

There I said it... the ugly D-word. This is nothing that was ever part of the plan, it was never something I even thought was a possibility, but such is life and this is my reality.
I started this blog to document the life of Peyton and our family. I debated whether or not to address this is such a forum, but this is our life and just another aspect that should be documented for Peyton. I want one day for her to be able to read the books that this blog has become and know that she was conceived into a happy, loving marriage by two people who love her tremendously. And that even if her family is changing she is still completely surrounded by people who love her and will always be there for her.
I would love to be able to fix what has been broken and find a way to be the family of 3, I so desperately dream of, but this is just not the case. I never signed up to be a single parent, but I will do everything in my power to be everything Peyton ever needs. I will rise from this a better parent, because she makes me better everyday. I think becoming a parent changes you completely, you learn the definition of selflessness. Because no matter how hurt I am, I would do anything to keep my sweet girl from feeling an ounce of sadness.

I don't even know where or how to begin the next chapter of my life. I feel powerless to the changes as they come. But this will not be the act that defines my life, I will pull myself back together by any means that I can and try to proceed with a grace that I have always striven for.

For now, you just keep going, you smile when you feel tears start to fall, you call Jill at all hours of the day to remind you just how strong you are, you laugh with friends at work when you don't think you ever will again, you lean on family when you not sure you remember how to stand, and you allow your heart to heal with the 4 best words I've ever heard, "Mommy, I love you."